How To Love

Ever since I can remember, I've had men come into my life who have either let me down , put me down or broken my heart. Whether it was my father trying to break my family apart or a guy back stabbing me, I never knew what it was to actually love a man who loved me back or simply wanted something good for me or from me. Someone who just showed me that I could count on them. Don't get me wrong, my dad has been there for me and has provided for me and I will always be grateful for that but after putting someone like him on a pedestal, he too has let me down.  I found someone, who finally has showed me that I can love with out being let down. This whole time I've been insecure of myself, scared of loving someone whole hardheartedly, of trusting someone completely. I've loved and dated men in the past. Once even came close to completely loving someone. I noticed that I didn't completely give them my heart when I started to love someone else. And that someone else is my boyfriend. I never fully trusted the person who I thought I loved completely and I almost lost hope of ever trusting someone when he betrayed me. Fortunately, I ran into the person who is now my boyfriend and the person who I can honestly say, I trust with my life. He is the person who has complete hold of my heart, after God. I can tell him something about my self, and he listens and doesn't judge me. If I cry in front of him, I'm not embarrassed. I can see my self with him for the rest of my life. He's the reason I now know how to love. Truly love. I've missed people before but none like I miss him. It could be minutes or hours from the last time I have seen him and my heart just cry's out to him. Tears form usually not just because I miss him but because I know that as much as we want to talk every day and see each other every day, we can't. I know that as much as I will try to get some time with him, the chances of it not happening are big. Work, family, friends, schedules interfere and there's nothing I can do about it. As much as I want to be selfish, I can't allow myself to do that because I know how much his family and friends mean to him. I never want to be that girlfriend or person who keeps their other half from their friends and family. I feel conflicted not just because I miss him but because after all this time of being alone and getting my hear broken over and over I finally found someone who gets me and loves me and  I can't be with them like I wish I could be. To just have him at arms reach, seeing him after work or simply calling him knowing I could talk to him if I'm having a bad day and I need to vent or have him hold me and make me feel better would be amazing. To go home to him after work every day and just know he will be there.
Right when I finally get what I want, it gets taken away. I know he's not completely gone, he's my boyfriend and I still get to see him every weekend or at least try to, but I wish that I could hold him a bit longer than I do now. It's something that I must deal with and I know it will be hard but he is so worth it. I rather cry from missing him than cry from not having him at all.