Happy 2nd Anniversary :*

Hi baby,

So, I'm thinking that aside from making this a yearly tradition and of course making going on a cruise a yearly tradition as well, that I'd also make a video of our two years together. Before I show you the video, I did want to say something. These past two years have been full of so many things. From us being apart from each other to living together which is what I always wanted; to live with someone I love and just build it from there. I'm sorry that I can be tough to live with sometimes and maybe more than sometimes but I promise to try harder every time. I know it won't be easy but I am willing to work through anything because I love you, so much. Yeah you make me mad and annoy me at times but that doesn't matter to me, what matters to me is being with you and in the end making things right with you. I'm sorry I make you mad and frustrated but like I said I promise to work on it because I don't ever want to lose you. Every time I cook for you and every time I do something for you I realize that I am doing it for someone that loves me and I am just so lucky to have you. I really am. You are the person who can calm me down even if you are mad and that to me means so much more than getting roses. I love you Albert. I can't wait to celebrate many more anniversaries with the man of my dreams.

I'm Sorry...

Hi baby,

You already know I like to write my thoughts down. Even if it is here on my blog that probably nobody ever sees except me and occasionally, you. As you can tell the title of this post is called "I'm Sorry..." which is what this post revolves around. It's really hard for me to admit I am wrong most of the time and our last talk on Monday made me realize that I have been messing up at times and baby I am so sorry. I don't want to be the reason why our relationship might fail. Not that I am saying it's failing or that we will but I am just scared that one day you will simply get tired of me and just not want me anymore. I am scared because you are the best thing I have had in a really, really long time and I don't want to fail you like I've failed in the past. You are worth so much to me babe. I read an article that really made sense and it was weirdly really close to what were talking about on Monday. So with that I want to say that I am so sorry if I have not been communicating as well as I think I have been with you. I am sorry if I might have not been seeing things from your point of view. I am sorry that I might have shouted at you. I am sorry if I have hurt you in any way. I am sorry if I have failed you. I am sorry if I haven't listened to you.  I am sorry baby. I know we are going to have arguments and we're going to fight but I want to be able to apologize and realize in that second if it's something worth fighting about or just move on and get over it. Obviously, having things like me waiting for an hour with no answer from you on Valentine's day does give me a reason to be mad at you, for a while, lol but I forgave you and I know that you wouldn't intentionally do that me again. I just want us to be able to be that couple that gets through anything. But I mainly want to be the partner who apologizes and admits they are wrong and that stops a fight from going over board. I want to treasure every moment I have with you. I don't want to fight, I want to be happy. I don't want what my parents have. I want to be with you for the rest of my life and I promise to be a good listener, to always have your back, to be your support, to put my self in your shoes, to understand you,  and to apologize when I am wrong. You are my best friend baby, you know me and I know you.
And I want you to know that I am going to make the effort to make our relationship stronger.

Another Year...

Hi baby,

I guess, I am missing you again. When I miss you it's not me being sad that I miss you. It's me being sad at the fact that I can't hug you when I'm feeling down because I know in that moment if you were there you would know how to make it better. I miss just knowing that if I had to, I could simply drive 15 minutes to you and know you are there at arms reach. I miss making spontaneous trips with you to the beach or taking you to a pre screening with me and showing you how much film makes me happy and just sharing that part of me with you. I miss going home to you and cooking with you. I miss not having to share what little time I have with you in one day with others. I miss sleeping next to you. I miss planning how I am going to get you to go to the gym with me. I miss YOU.

I miss you because you are not just the person I am in love with, you're my best friend. Yeah Morgan may be one of my best friends but you are the one who knows exactly what to say or do to make me feel like I am meant to be on this earth for some grand purpose. If that purpose was to love you than I would die happy simply knowing that.

I know you have to do what you have to do, for you and I won't recent it or you. I will always support you even if it makes me miss you. Missing you means I really truly love you babe. You said everyone reacts differently, well this is my way of showing you I care for you. I get 8 hours to try and do everything I would want to do with you in 1 week let alone everyday. Just when I start to feel hopeful and forget how miserable I am every day at home with out you, I suddenly realize that I have to say bye to you and the little bit of peace I have and know I will have to repeat the same routine with out an expiration date and more of a sold by date. It would not be a good sign if I stopped missing you baby.

You have to do this I know, and I want you to be successful and happy and follow your dreams...just wish I could be there with you. Be that girlfriend, who drops by to give her boyfriend some coffee in the morning out of the blue, or that girlfriend who after a long day at work will make it better by making your favorite for dinner along with your beer. And then I'd say bye and I would know for a fact that most likely I am going to see you the next day because I know I am near by and if you needed a night with the guys or your family then I could be at peace because I still know you are near me.

I have this inner struggle every time I have a day with you. One side wants to be selfish and just wants to beg you to just spend every single second with me...the other side thinks reasonably and knows that I am not the only person who exists in your life. I know I am not number 1 in your life and I wouldn't want to ever assume I am ...just simply wish I could have you around more often.
I know that won't happen any time soon, but just know that me missing you is not why I am sad, it's the reason I miss you that makes me sad, because I know we don't do them anymore.

2:00 AM

It is 2:00am but I am wide awake. I thought I'd be passed out by now but I'm not. I can't help but want to write you something. I miss you so much babe. Every time I spend with you makes it harder and harder for me to say bye to you. I miss you more and more and think of the things we could do if we were living together or just simply closer. Don't get me wrong this distance makes me appreciate you more and each moment I spend with you and I know that I have no choice but to live through it just wish I could be selfish and have you around more often. Holidays are coming and I feel like I wish I could just have you here with me that is all I want this year. I just want you here with me. I don't care for any other gift I just want to be able to go shopping for a tree with you or go see the Christmas lights with you and have you help me bake some edibles. I know it will be a while until I will be able to do that with you just wish I could get that for Christmas. Of course there are things I know I can't get and I that's one of them but just thought I'd let you know how much I miss you. You are the best thing that has happened to me and don't see how someone could have let you go.

More Than Words

Hi baby,

I've noticed I tend to write on here when I really miss you. I was driving home last night and I came across this song on the radio that really reminded me of you and what we were talking about on Saturday night over dinner, and how you can tell when someone loves you because of their actions not because they tell you they love you. I remember those days when we had just started being boyfriend and girlfriend and how I knew you loved me before you even told me you loved me. Of course I wanted you to say it first even though I wanted to tell you. But I'm just glad you told me because I was able to say it back. From personal experience that is always the best way to tell someone you love them, whether you're taking care of them while they are sick or cooking for them, I love that I finally found someone who does things for me that I never imagined someone could do for me besides my parents. You are more than words to me babe and I miss you so much. I wish I could be with you and not have to say bye once every 7 or 14 days but instead say bye every morning and hope the day goes by fast so I can get to see you and so forth. I want to be able to see you after work, talk over dinner to see how work was and how the rest of your day was. I want to be there when you have a bad day at work by cooking your favorite or giving you a rub down. I just want to be there with you. I know I can't right now, but I just want you to know how badly I wish I was.

Happy 1 Yr Baby

Hi Baby,

I know you're reading this right now and I still can't believe it's been a yr already. It is so true that time fly's when you are happy and having fun and I AM happy and I'm happy because I'm with you. There are so many things that are running through my head as I write this, things I wish I could translate into something short and concise, but I can't. There is so much I feel for you and all I know is that I'm so glad I have you and that you came to me at a time that I was questioning whether I was ever good enough for anyone. You fixed my heart babe and I can't wait for many more years of being with you. I know it won't always be "I love you" or be STA moments down the line but I do know I want to work through those moments with you. You make me whole and you compliment me in so many ways that I even shock my self at times. You always find a way to talk me down and remind me why I love you so much. Yes, I am crying right now and yes I am listening to our playlist which probably won't help the crying but I cry because I am so grateful and happy because looking back I never thought I could be this happy after what I've gone through. I've grown so much since last year as a person and part of it is because of you. You always ask me why I'm with you, and it's because you see me as me. You appreciate everything I do for you whether it's bringing you a glass of water or going to the gym. You understand me and you value me. You are not ashamed to be with me. You always comfort me when I cry or at least try to. Despite your financial situation, you find ways to get me gifts and yes they are not worth much in price but they have meaning and that to me is more than some expensive necklace or Mark Jacobs bag. I love every second I am with you even if we're fighting, because all I know is that I'm with you. I treasure every single moment I'm with you and as much as I hate you being so far away this whole year, it definitely shows me how much I  appreciate you; every single part of you. I love you Albert. Happy Anniversary baby.

Where Ever You Go

 It's been an interesting past 16 years. I went from having a boyfriend junior year to being single, finishing high school and starting college then getting into what would become a 2 to 3 yr relationship. We broke up and then men came in and out of my life. Recent one was an epic fail but after that epic fail I ran into someone I never in my wildest dreams thought that I ever would be in love with.  The guy who kissed me near the bushes in the dark right outside of church when I was 17. I never thought I would be with the guy who bought me a huge teddy bear for Valentine's day and had to lie about who had given it to me or the guy who gave me 6 separate V-day cards to tell me how much he liked me. Even way after we broke up I always kept those v-day cards and when I came close to throwing then away, something inside me always made me keep them. I thought of him occasionally and yes even ran into him a few times unintentionally. There were moments where he made me mad when I'd see him because he reminded me how much he had hurt me, but as the years passed I realized that I didn't want to dwell on the past and keep grudges. That I was getting too old for holding on to something that not only didn't matter anymore but that was so long ago during a time in my life where our relationship had not been serious. He did however show me my first heart ache but when he reached out to me late last year, he showed me something I had been missing out on. As adults our interaction was not only so much different than when we were kids but he showed me hope. There's this song called "Where Ever You Will Go" and it reminds me of how I was replaced in his life and yes we were not together for a while but in the end we made it back to each other. And now, he is the person who I could never live with out. I still find it eerie at times that we actually are together and in love. Then again it was not our time and even though he did replace me with someone for 7 years, we found our way back to each other with out having a clue we would. Reality is, you never know what way your life will head when you pray for your heart to be healed.